True Stories

Such a great prompt. Write a letter! A real letter to anyone or anything.

Letter 1

Dear Expensive Cling Film Box,
Exactly what use are you?
Yours sincerely
Frustrated User of WSM

Dear User (or abuser)

Although I have witnessed at least two demonstrations/lessons in how to operate me, to date you have successfully failed to grasp the notion at all!

I do not need banging on the work top ‘to loosen me’
I do not need to have my lid slammed down in an effort to attach my film to my blade.
Having failed to cut, my film does not appreciate being pulled aggressively at a 90 deg. angle, stretched to breaking point and then attacked viciously and violently with scissors.
Madam, kindly desist from using me as a weapon!
I do not appreciate being wielded around and about the kitchen.

Here are a simple and gentle set of instructions on how to get my film out of my container, cut beautifully and accurately to the length you require.

1. gently open my lid.
2. slowly and smoothly pull a length of film out of the box, evenly passing it over my blade.
3. lay the film softly over my blade allowing the remaining length to fall to the work top.
4. gently close my lid.
5. with the softest pressure, almost caress my lid with your finger tips.
6. your length of film is now resting on the work top ready and waiting for you to use.

Yours, with an almost inaudible sigh
The Cling Film Box

Letter 2

Dear Silly Girl who ran the red light,

I feel such anger towards you for running that light on Tuesday night. And yet, as the mother of a young man I feel in my heart that it was your lack of experience that led you to plough into the side of my sons car.
I did wonder if you had been drinking but my son very generously thought not. He thought you were genuinely frightened and sorry.
If you are fortunate to be able to drive again please accept this advice.

Driving is not just a matter of you getting somewhere. You can’t just drive about ignoring other road users.
Driving is about paying attention at all times.

What happened as a consequence of your careless driving?
What happened as a consequence of you driving with out due care and attention? for that is what you were doing.
I am thankful that no-one was injured or worse but it doesn’t just stop with your tears.

My son couldn’t take me to my hospital appointment.
My son couldn’t get to work.
My son has spend hours on the phone to insurance companies.
My son has spent hours on the phone to work, to friends and family re-arranging and canceling appointments.
My son can’t just hire a car. We can’t find a company willing to hire to someone under 25.
My son has to wait until an insurance company gets off it’s paperwork and sorts this mess out.
My son has no transport.

It was the best car he owned.
It was his 21st birthday present.

He drove it so carefully.
He cared for it.

His car has been written off, because you weren’t paying attention to the road in front of you.


Letter 3

Dear Deodorants,
This letter is to all of you, even you, the newest addition, the last one in.

I am entirely dissatisfied with your performance of late. Underperforming I feel best describes your abilities.
You have a basic and simple function to perform on a daily basis and each of you in turn has let me down.
I keep you in a manner befitting your status. Those that require standing have sufficient room allocated to you at the front of the drawer.
Those able to assume a horizontal position have sufficient space, not overcrowded but not so packed as to cause body damage and nozzle blockage.
Those that require shaking are shaken and those that require a spell on your roller balls have the necessary time each morning to get lubricated.
What more can I do? Some of you can’t even be bothered to roll even after all this preparation. It is the very basis of your function!
This is my final warning.
No I don’t want to hear excuses, they are clean, they are dry and they are fuzz free!

It is 07.30 hours, Saturday 31st October 2010. If, by the end of play today I feel embarrased by your lack of performance, you are ALL consigned to landfill.
No I couldn’t possibly consider re-cycling you for fear of letting another set of armpips down.

Clean,dry, fuzz free
armpips x 2

3 thoughts on “True Stories

  1. Miriam, your letters are truly a delight to read! Though I am very sorry about what happened to your son, and hope that things will be swiftly sorted out. Such a shame the young lady in question can’t get to read your letter – the consequences of her action would really make her think … Looking forward to hearing whether the deodorants sit up and take notice!

  2. Fabulous letters – funny, clever, touching, heartfelt…. I loved your reply from the cling film box, and your letter to the driver who crashed into your son was very well-written. Great post altogether xx

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