Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing; all I can say is that judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies with nothing on but their lipstick cavorting round the green – and its Mummy and I who get blamed. If you value our friendship – which I do less and less – kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once.
Frankly, I think I prefer birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids – AND their cows? Is this some kind of joke? If so, I don’t find it very amusing
Emily
Edward – I thought I said no more birds; but this morning I woke to find no less than seven swans all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. The whole house seems to be full of birds – to say nothing of what they leave behind them.
Please, please STOP
Your Emily
Dear Edward – Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. Frankly, I rather hoped you had stopped sending me birds – we have no room for them and they have already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but – let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily